


Broken Lullabies

by kyungception



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 23:06:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11976966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyungception/pseuds/kyungception
Summary: Kyungsoo has never opened up to anyone about his struggle with alcoholism before. Everything changes when he notices his coworker Jongin might be dealing with a similar issue.





	Broken Lullabies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [memefucker69 (amputeekun)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=memefucker69+%28amputeekun%29).



_Have you ever wanted to change your life? What’s stopping you from taking matters into your own hands and taking control? My name is-_

Kyungsoo switches off the TV. What a load of shit. Who the fuck do motivational speakers think they are anyway? As if they have life figured out. As if anyone has.

He watches the night traffic on the streets below from the window of his dark apartment.

Seoul. It’s the sixteenth largest city in the world. Ten million people in this goddamn place and yet it still creeps up him—that feeling of being lost in a crowd. Lonely. Irrelevant. Sometimes he thinks that even being stranded on a deserted island would make him feel less alone.

This is where he’d usually drown his feelings in alcohol before they got a chance to drown him. Not anymore. He knows better by now.

His throat feels tight, as if he’s about to cry. He knows this feeling too. The tears never come. Not even if he wants them to. He allows himself to feel it for a moment, then lets it go.

He replaces his usual drink of whiskey with a cup of tea, puts on his favorite show, and then goes to bed.

 

Monday morning.

Kyungsoo picks up his coworker Jongin. They say hello to each other. That’s about as far as their conversations go on a regular basis. Apart from that, the only time they talk is when Kyungsoo delivers files to him, five cubicles down from his own.

During lunch he overhears a few of his colleagues making plans for the weekend. He hates saying no to those things, but saying yes is not an option. He tries to get out of the break room before someone gets the chance to invite him.

“Hey Kyungsoo, you want to come too?” Chanyeol asks, just before he can turn around the corner.

“When is it?”

“Saturday.”

“Ah, damn, I’ve already got plans then, I’m sorry. Maybe next time.”

He doesn’t know why they still ask him. Even Kyungsoo himself doesn’t believe his own excuses anymore.

After work he drops Jongin off. Drives home. Cooks dinner for himself. The TV plays in the background while he distracts himself on his computer until it’s late enough to go to bed.

 

Tuesday Morning.

Kyungsoo gets up. Makes breakfast. Gets ready for work. Picks up Jongin. Then work.

The hours blend into days, the days into weeks. And before Kyungsoo knows it, another month has passed without anything worth remembering. Plans he makes for himself always fall through. Going to the movies, eating at a restaurant, visiting the museum. He’s always too tired, or too busy with other unimportant tasks, or simply not in the mood.

 

“How was your vacation?” Kyungsoo asks Jongin after he gets in the car.

“Yeah, alright.” Jongin’s voice still sounds raspy from sleep. “How’s work been?”

“Same old, same old. Did you go anywhere?”

“No.”

Neither of them says anything for the rest of the ride.

 

Kyungsoo is surprised to see that Jongin isn’t finished with his work yet by the time they usually get off. This never happens. He’s probably the fastest, most diligent co-worker Kyungsoo’s ever seen. He’s always wondered why he even has this job, since he seems thoroughly overqualified.

“This is going to take a while,” Jongin explains nodding at the workload on his desk. “I’ll just take the bus home.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t think much of it. Perhaps he’s just having a hard time getting back into his workflow after two weeks off.

 

Jongin runs late the rest of the week. He doesn’t seem like himself. The impression he gives off is more akin to someone who’s had too much to drink and didn’t get a minute of sleep after partying all night, as opposed to his standard clean-cut appearance.

“Rough night?”

He catches the unamused look on Jongin’s face when he glances to the side.

“You, uh, you missed a button,” Kyungsoo points out. Maybe he’s better off keeping his mouth shut.

He doesn’t want to keep noticing details. He doesn’t want to worry. Doesn’t want to _care_. It bothers him to the point where he can’t focus. It reminds him too much of what he went through last year. He doesn’t want to make assumptions, but if he’s right, he can’t just stand and watch. Because he knows what it feels like.

“Here.” Kyungsoo holds out a Snickers bar. Jongin looks up from his keyboard. Stares at the candy bar, then at Kyungsoo. “You said you didn’t have time to go to lunch. You should eat something.”

“You didn’t have to.” Jongin accepts the bar with a shaky hand. He thanks him quietly before he takes a bite.

“Hey, Jongin? Is everything okay with you?”

“Of course. I’m fine.”

Kyungsoo wonders if he would recognize the irony of that statement if he was looking into a mirror.

 

It’s no surprise when Jongin is late again. Ten minutes pass and he still hasn’t shown up. Kyungsoo tries his cell. Gets his mailbox. Rings the doorbell. No response. He enters the building when one of the tenants comes out. Finds himself searching for the key under the mat. The crazy thing is, this isn’t the first time this has happened.

 

“Isn’t it way too early to get off work?” Chanyeol had asked him a few months back when he ran into him on the elevator.

“Oh no, I just forgot something important at home.”

“Hey, you live close to Jongin, right?”

“I guess.”

“He hasn’t shown up to work today and he’s not answering his phone. Junmyeon said he hasn’t called in sick either. I’m a little worried. Would you mind stopping by his place to see what’s going on?”

“If he doesn’t answer his phone, what are the odds he’ll open the door?”

“He has a spare key taped to the bottom of his doormat.”

“You want me to break into his apartment?”

“He told me about the key himself. He’ll understand.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Chanyeol. I don’t know him that well.”

“I’d do it myself, but I’ve got a shit ton of work to get done. Look, he’s probably just asleep. You just need to wake him up.”

“How fast asleep do you have to be to overhear the phone and the doorbell?”

“Oh, you’d be surprised. He could sleep through the apocalypse. Maybe one day he’ll get to be in one of those sleep labs and they’ll name a sleep phase after him. Although I don’t think anyone else experiences it. I think he’s part bear. Anyway, I’ll text you the address.”

Kyungsoo’s always had a problem saying no when someone asks him for help.

He was shocked when he saw Jongin’s apartment for the first time. He had never seen a place that clean and organized before. Jongin had indeed been asleep that time. His laptop was opened to an ASMR video next to him on his bed. He remembers Jongin slamming it shut the second he realized Kyungsoo was there. “Don’t judge me, it helps me sleep,” he had said.

Chanyeol suggested they should drive to work together for the sake of convenience after that incident. Kyungsoo didn’t want to be impolite. In retrospect, he thinks Jongin was coming from the same side when he told him “Only if you don’t mind.”

 

Kyungsoo finds the key in the same place as last time. When he enters his apartment this time, he’s shocked for a different reason. It’s the complete opposite of what it had been like before. The couch is littered with pizza boxes and other takeout food containers, the leftovers of which cloud the room with an awful stench.

Jongin lies face down on his bed with one arm hanging off of it. Next to him is his laptop with a blank screen.

Kyungsoo tip-toes through the clothes and books scattered on the floor. “Jongin.” He touches him lightly. “Jongin!” He attempts to shake him awake, but to no avail. It’s silly, he supposes, when he places two fingers on the inside of Jongin’s wrist, just to be sure. _Thank god,_ he thinks, breathing a sigh of relief when he finds his pulse.

He gets a glass of cold water and throws it in Jongin’s face. It does the trick.

Jongin spins around in a disoriented fashion. He’s panting as if he just woke up from a nightmare. He stutters as he fights to catch his breath. “D-did I miss work?”

“No, you’re just late.”

“Just go ahead without me.” He stumbles around his room trying to find a clean pair of clothes. “I’ll hurry. Tell Junmyeon I’ll be right there.”

“Jongin, maybe you should stay home.”

“That’s ridiculous. I can’t skip work.”

Kyungsoo asks him once again if he’s okay when he drops him off after work that day. And once again Jongin tells him he’s fine.

“You’d never admit it to anyone, not even yourself—especially not yourself. But deep down you know.”

Jongin shoots him a glare. “What?”

“Nothing. Forget about it.”

He catches a glimpse of Jongin staring after him in the rearview mirror as he drives away.

 

Kyungsoo feels stupid for checking his phone to see if Jongin has called or texted. Maybe he should be the one calling him, to apologize for overstepping a line and to inform him that he will be minding his own business from now on. He’d feel stupid if he did that too.

 

It’s not until a few nights later that Kyungsoo wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing at 3 am. He answers it with eyes still closed. “Hello?”

It’s silent on the other end at first. Kyungsoo is about to hang up. And then—

_“K-Kyungsoo?”_

Jongin.

“Hey. What’s up?” he asks softly, voice still laced with sleep. He hears restless breathing on the other line before he gets a response.

“ _Uhm. I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called_.” And then Jongin’s gone. He re-dials his number.

“Jongin, if you’re going to call me at 3 am then at least tell me why and don’t just hang up on me, okay?” He’s careful to keep his tone calm.

“ _I’m sorry_.”

“It’s okay, just talk to me.”

“ _I’m not feeling so well. I can’t sleep_.” His voice is shaky.

“What about those videos you usually watch? You said they help, right?”

“ _The internet isn’t working. I’m almost out of data and those videos are usually really long._ ”

“Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“ _I don’t know._ ” He sounds broken.

“Let’s just talk for a while, is that okay with you?”

“ _Yeah, I guess._ ”

“Did you eat well today?”

“ _Not really. I didn’t have much of an appetite._ ”

“I’d cook something for you if I was there.”

“ _In the middle of the night?_ ”

“Sure. Do you have something to eat? Maybe you’ll feel better after getting some food in your stomach.”

“ _I’m too nauseous to eat anything._ ”

Kyungsoo stays silent for a moment. He thinks about what he would do in that situation. “Is there anything you can watch offline? A movie or something to distract you?”

“ _I think so. Yeah, I’m going to try that. I think I’ll be okay now. Thank you. I’m sorry for bothering you. Good night._ ”

“Jongin, wait.”

“ _Yes?_ ”

“Just—feel free to call me if you need anything else.”

“ _I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you._ ”

“Good night. Sleep well.” He doesn’t know if he caught the last bit.

 

Jongin informs him via text that he’ll be taking the bus to work from now on.

They don’t talk.

 

Kyungsoo puts down a stack of files on Jongin’s desk in his cubicle. “Junmyeon wants you to redo these.”

Jongin frowns. He looks confused. “Did he say what was wrong with them?”

“I think he put post-it notes inside.”

Jongin stares at the stack in front of him. He takes a deep breath.

He seems so out of it. His hair is messy, there’s a button undone in the middle of his shirt and the circles under his eyes are darker than Kyungsoo has ever seen them.

He walks away. It doesn’t feel right. He’s concerned. He turns around and sees Jongin’s trembling hands flip through the files. _He’s fine. He doesn’t want your help,_ Kyungsoo tells himself. Still he turns around again after a few steps. Jongin fidgets around. He’s completely scattered. He continuously puts his hand to his head as if he has a headache, drops his pen, but gets distracted by the screen of his computer instead of picking it up. For a second he gets up, then sits back down again. His hands grasp onto the table. It’s unsettling to watch. But what is he going to do? He can’t force him to open up to him. A few more steps and Kyungsoo stops in his tracks when he hears a loud _thump_ behind him. He hurries back to where Chanyeol is already beside Jongin on the floor. He pulls a chair over and puts Jongin’s feet up on it. Jongin opens his eyes after a few seconds.

“Jongin, are you okay?” It’s only now that Kyungsoo realizes how fast his heart is beating.

Jongin attempts to get back up, but clearly struggles.

“Easy. Stay down for a minute,” Chanyeol says.

“I’ll go get some water.” Kyungsoo runs to the break room. He’s in such a hurry that he doesn’t realize the watercooler is empty until nothing comes out after pressing the button repeatedly. He turns around to see the janitor walking in carrying a new tank on his shoulder. He assures him it won’t take long, but by the time he finishes up, Kyungsoo really thinks he should have just gone for tap water instead. He walks back as fast as he can without spilling the water.

But Jongin isn’t there.

“Where is he?” he asks Chanyeol.

“Junmyeon sent him home.”

“Chanyeol, you and him are pretty close, right?”

“No.”

“What? I thought you’ve been friends since high school?”

“Things change.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. He just started to act so differently and then he basically isolated himself.”

“Aren’t you worried? Something isn’t right.”

“Of course I’m worried, but what am I supposed to do? He won’t talk to me.”

Kyungsoo decides to go after Jongin. Public transport doesn’t seem like the best idea right now. He finds him pacing back and forth at the bus stop. He rolls down window of his car. “Get in.”

“What are you doing?”

“Driving you home.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Come on, Jongin.”

“No, I’m fine. You’re holding up traffic. Just go.”

“I’m not leaving until you get in.” Kyungsoo looks over his shoulder at the cars behind him that begin to honk.

Jongin’s pissed. It’s written on his face. He rolls his eyes and gets in the car. Neither of them says a word until they’re parked on Jongin’s street.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo begins. He takes a moment to word what he wants to say carefully. “I don’t know what’s wrong. And I can’t force you to talk about it if you don’t want to. But if you ever want someone to talk to, or even not talk to, I’m here.”

He thinks he sees something honest in Jongin’s eyes for a moment, but then it’s gone, and replaced by another lie. “Everything’s fine.”

“If you say so.” Kyungsoo doesn’t look at him as he says it.

Jongin opens the door, but fails. He tries to open it again, and again. Kyungsoo can see his frustration and anger rising.

“It’s still locked, you need to—“

And that’s when Jongin loses it. He slams his palm against the closed door, then leans forward and buries his face in his hands as he begins to sob.

“It’s okay, Jongin. It’s okay,” Kyungsoo tries to soothe him quietly.

“No, it’s not. Nothing is.”

He hands Jongin a tissue and gives him a moment to calm down.

“I appreciate that you care, Kyungsoo. I just don’t think I’m ready to talk about it.”

“I get it. You know what I wish someone had told me though? There isn’t ever a point where you feel like you’re ready. Not really.”

Jongin is quiet. He nods. “You should get back to work.”

“Yeah. Get some rest, okay?”

Jongin hesitates. “Can I maybe call you later?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you.”

 

Kyungsoo feels relieved when he sees Jongin’s name on his phone. “Hey.”

“ _Hi.”_ His voice sounds hoarse.

“How are you?”

“ _Not fine,_ ” Jongin admits.

“I was just about do make dinner. I bet you haven’t eaten yet.”

“ _You’re right._ ”

“I can come over and make something if you want.”

“ _My kitchen isn’t really in a state to be used._ _My whole apartment isn’t, really.”_

“Is it worse than the last time I was there?”

There’s no answer.

“I’ll just cook here and bring it over. Maybe I can help you clean afterwards.”

Jongin is quiet on the other line.

“Okay?”

“ _Yeah. Okay.”_

 

Jongin sets down his empty bowl. “That was delicious.” He wipes his mouth. Clears his throat. “Kyungsoo, if I don’t keep this down, please don’t take it personally.”

“I understand. I’m familiar with the symptoms of withdrawal.”

Jongin closes his eyes, defeated. “How did you know?”

Kyungsoo retrieves his sobriety coin from the pocket of his jeans and shows it to him. “Takes one to know one.”

Jongin stares at it with his lips parted. “Can I?” he asks before he takes the coin from him. His fingers trace the ridges of it. “I had no idea,” he says quietly.

“I don’t think anyone did.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

Kyungsoo gives him a long, hard look.

“Stupid question. Sorry.” He hands him back his coin.

It’s quiet. Neither of them seems to know what to say. Where to begin.

They carry the dishes to the kitchen together and begin to clean. Kyungsoo does most of the work, with Jongin helping him to the best of his abilities. Hours go by until they’re finally finished with the whole apartment. It’s not as neat as it was the first time Kyungsoo saw it, but it’s clean.

“It’s late. Are you going to be okay by yourself?”

Jongin looks unsure. “There’s no point in lying to you anymore, is there?” Kyungsoo can see the tears brimming in his eyes before he turns away to hide.

“I’ll stay.” He touches Jongin’s shoulder carefully. Jongin agrees by nodding his head. He wipes his tears with the sleeves of his sweater which he’s pulled over his hands.

Kyungsoo sleeps on the couch. In the morning he convinces Jongin to go to the doctor to make sure everything’s okay and to sign him off work for the week.

 

It’s past midnight. Jongin lies on the couch with his hands over his face. Kyungsoo sits next to him.

“What’s your poison? You never told me.”

“I don’t want to tell you.”

“Can I take a guess?”

“If you have to.”

“You used to have everything in complete order. Your work, your apartment, your appearance. A bit of an overachiever. Focused. That’s the keyword. Ritalin?”

Jongin sits up. “Not quite, but you’re close.”

“Adderall.”

“You know what I thought to myself before I started taking it? _What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like I’m taking anything illegal._ I never thought it would end up getting this bad.”

“Legal drugs are the most dangerous ones, if you ask me. When did you stop taking it?”

“The second I got off work for my vacation.”

“You just quit cold turkey?”

“I can’t trust myself with it. If I have it, I’ll take it. Trying to wane it off always results in a breakdown where I take more than necessary to make up for what feels like deprivation.”

“I can’t believe you’ve been doing this all by yourself.”

“I got myself into it. Now I’m getting myself out of it.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“Only if I really want something.”

“It’s okay to ask for help sometimes though.”

“I know. It’s one of the things on the long list of things I need to learn.”

Kyungsoo nudges Jongin’s shoulder. “ _Accepting_ help is a good first step, I suppose.”

“I’m not the only one who’s stubborn here.”

“You were giving me flashbacks of the hell I went through.”

“So it’s normal then? To feel like hell?”

“Absolutely.”

“The first couple of weeks I just slept. I was so zombied out, I didn’t even feel human anymore. I still don’t quite do. Being back at work really made me feel like junkie. I mean that’s what I am, right? An addict. I’m a fucking drug addict,” he says in a mocking tone, then he begins to cry.

“Jongin? Is it okay if I hug you?”

Jongin timidly peeks at him. He pleads at Kyungsoo with his eyes. Kyungsoo pulls him close. Whispers soothing words. Until Jongin cries himself to sleep.

 

Back at the office, Kyungsoo works extra fast so he can take some of Jongin’s workload. Jongin’s already on the elevator when Kyungsoo gets in.

“You okay?” he asks once the door closes.

“No.”

Kyungsoo touches his hand. Strokes the back of it with his thumb. Jongin takes a deep breath.

The door opens and they get back to reality.

 

Some nights are easier than others. Some are almost unbearable. Kyungsoo knows it from firsthand experience.

Tonight is one of the hard nights for Jongin.

“I can’t do it anymore, Kyungsoo.” He paces back and forth in his living room. He’s restless.

“Jongin. Jongin, look at me for a second, will you? You’ve come so far already. You made this decision for a reason, remember?”

Jongin nods. “But it’s so fucking hard. I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“You’ll get better. And once you do, you’ll be so glad you didn’t give up.”

“How do I get through this?”

“You just do.”

Jongin rolls his eyes. It sure as fuck isn’t as easy as it sounds, that’s for sure.

Kyungsoo checks the time on his phone. “You should try to get some sleep.”

Jongin looks unsure about something. He’s pursing his lips.

“What?”

His voice is quiet. “Can we do what we did the other night?”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Never mind.”

“Tell me.”

“You held me. And you said some things. It helped.”

Kyungsoo smiles at him warmly. “You like being comforted, don’t you?”

Jongin stares at the floor. “Is that bad? Is it weird?”

“I always wished I had someone to hold me and tell me it’s okay when I was getting sober.”

“You didn’t have anyone?”

“No, not really.” Kyungsoo doesn’t like to talk about it. He doesn’t like admitting that he feels like the quiet kid in the corner of the back of the classroom in life.

“What about your friends? Do they know?”

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. He takes a seat on the couch. “I don’t really have many friends. I don’t often manage to connect with people.” He feels like a deer caught in headlights.

“That doesn’t make sense. You’re always nice and helpful to everyone. Everybody at the office likes you.”

“It’s all just superficial. I know Chanyeol sometimes invites me out for drinks and stuff but I just don’t like to do those kind of things.”

Jongin sits down beside him. “Is this superficial to you too?” He doesn’t look at him.

“When we just drove to work together, yeah. When I started noticing what was going on I just wanted to help. Since we started spending so much time together, I really started caring about you. And I feel much closer to you now that I’ve basically touched all of your belongings.”

Jongin chuckles lightly.

Kyungsoo looks at him. “That’s the first time I’ve seen you laugh.”

“Don’t let it fool you, I still feel like shit.” He lies down and rests his head in Kyungsoo’s lap. “But you’ve made it a lot more bearable. Why were you surprised when I told you I was doing this by myself? I mean you went through it alone too and you never really seemed as out of it as me.”

“I was in rehab for the first few weeks of it. It was before you worked with us. If you ask anyone, I was in the hospital with a severe case of the flu.”

“What was that like? Wasn’t there anyone you could connect with there?”

Kyungsoo absentmindedly plays with Jongin’s fingers. “Kind of. You go there and spend a lot of time together, you make a group chat, say you’ll stay in touch, but you all live apart from each other, and everyone just goes back to their own lives and their own problems, and it kind of dies down. Every once in a while someone will throw a ‘hey, how are you guys doing?’ in the chat, then there’s a few responses, but that’s it.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Have you considered going to rehab? Or maybe a support group or something?”

“I don’t really want to do that.”

“Trust me, nobody wants to.”

Jongin doesn’t say anything. He holds onto Kyungsoo’s hand tightly.

 

“Hey, you,” Jongin says. He’s standing next to Kyungsoo’s car, waiting.

“I’m sorry, today’s been so hectic, I’ve barely even had a minute to breathe. I swear all I see when I close my eyes are numbers.” Kyungsoo groans. “Have you been waiting long?”

“Just a few minutes.”

Kyungsoo cooks dinner for the both of them at his place. Jongin doesn’t really know how to cook, but he’s eager to help out.

“I’m starting to feel more like myself again.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “That’s good.”

“Yes. And no.”

Kyungsoo knows withdrawal is one thing, but to every addiction there’s an underlying problem. “Want to tell me about it?”

“Nothing I do is ever good enough. And all I can think about is how I could have done better. If I make mistakes, no matter how small they are, I can’t sleep at night or focus on anything else. It makes me so anxious.”

“Is that why you started taking it?”

Jongin nods. “I just wanted to be able to function and not have to worry all the time. If I don’t do well, I

feel like I’m not good enough.”

Kyungsoo wishes he knew what to say. “You’re doing well with your recovery,” he finally says after a moment. It makes Jongin smile a little.

“Let’s do something.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“How about the movies?”

“I haven’t been in ages.”

They watch a late showing of a musical, something Kyungsoo has never watched in his life. He finds it surprisingly refreshing. Despite a few raindrops, Jongin seems in a good mood on the way to the car afterwards.

“I forgot how nice it is to just forget about everything for a little while.”

“We should do this more often.”

“Agreed.”

Kyungsoo begins to run when the light drizzle quickly turns into heavier downfall. Realizing Jongin isn’t doing the same, he turns around.

Jongin stands still. He holds his hand out to catch the raindrops in his palm. The look on his face is reminiscent of that of a child who’s seen snow for the first time in their life. Kyungsoo’s sense of urgency fades. They share a light-hearted laugh as they stroll towards the parking lot.

They lie next to each other in Kyungsoo’s bed after drying up. Kyungsoo traces Jongin’s skin with the very tips of his fingers.

“That feels nice,” Jongin says in a sleepy voice.

“When I was little my mom used to do this to calm me down when I had nightmares.”

“It reminds me of something my friends and I used to do when we were young. We’d draw letters on each other with our fingers and then we had to guess what word it was.”

“It sounds fun.”

“You want to try?”

“Sure.”

“Close your eyes.”

Kyungsoo focuses on the movement of Jongin’s finger on his skin. He traces the words ‘ _I like you’_ on his arm. Kyungsoo opens his eyes. “I like you too, Jongin,” he says softly. He shifts closer until their noses touch. They kiss slowly and gently. Testing the waters. They gaze at each other wordlessly in the dark, quiet room until their lids become too heavy and their restless hearts finally feel at ease.

 

The week is much easier to go through with secret elevator kisses, morning kisses and goodnight kisses, with “accidental” brushes of their hands when there’s people around and long, tight hugs, just because.

 

Kyungsoo is amazed at how well Jongin is doing these days. “You’re not back on pills, are you?” he asks jokingly.

Jongin isn’t amused by the question. “Is that what you think?”

“I was just kidding. I mean you’re not, are you?”

“No, of course not.”

“I shouldn’t have said anything. Please just forget about it. I’m an idiot.”

 

They go on movie dates, eat at restaurants, visit museums, hang out at coffee shops—all the things Kyungsoo’s wanted to do. And even though he enjoys it, it’s stressful for him. Because it seems like it’s all Jongin wants to do these days, like he’s trying to make up for lost time. Or like he doesn’t even want to be alone together anymore. At times being around people is so overwhelming to Kyungsoo that he almost begins to miss his solitude.

 

“Junmyeon’s birthday party is next week.”

“I’ve heard.”

“I want to go.”

“You should.”

“What about you?”

“It’s not really my kind of thing.”

“What if I asked you to go with me?”

“I don’t think so, Jongin.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No. Why?”

“You never want to do anything anymore. You seem distant.”

“It’s just—never mind.”

“What?”

“Everything’s too much. Seeing you cope so well just makes me realize that I’m not.”

Jongin’s eyebrows furrow. “I’m sorry my well-being is such an inconvenience to you.”

“That’s not how I meant it. I’m happy that you’re better. I’m proud of you.”

“Then how did you mean it?”

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath before he speaks. “I can’t be around alcohol. I’m so scared that I’ll relapse or that someone will find out that I’ve had an issue with it that all I can do is avoid it altogether.”

Jongin’s face turns soft. “I know what it’s like to be scared to relapse, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. He balls his hands into fists. “No, you don’t. Adderall isn’t something you can find on the shelf of every store. It’s not something that taunts you when you’re standing in the checkout line. You don’t get it offered to you at every social event and have people treat you like you’re a killjoy when you decline it. You don’t know how hard it is to try to stay away from something that’s everywhere. It’s unavoidable.”

Jongin gulps. He takes a step back. Doesn’t look at him. “You have it worse than me, got it.”

Kyungsoo tries to relax his muscles. “It wasn’t supposed to sound that way.”

“Well, it did.”

Both of them are on the verge of tears.

“I should go,” Jongin says quietly. His voice is hoarse.

“I’ll drive you,” Kyungsoo offers.

“It’s okay. I’ll walk.”

Kyungsoo wants to fix it. He didn’t know how fragile he still was until he just broke. And how is he supposed to make him feel safe in his arms when his pieces are glass and Jongin’s skin’s made of paper?

 

The TV doesn’t distract Kyungsoo much. Why does every fucking program have to be about relationships anyway? He gives up and turns it off. He’s used to feeling homesick in his own home. But this time it feels different. Worse. Maybe because he hasn’t felt it in a while. Or perhaps because he could never put a name to what he was longing for.

Now he can.

Jongin.

Kyungsoo can’t fall asleep. Restless, he decides to go for a walk.

Seoul looks pretty at night with all its lights. He walks the streets aimlessly, passing by food places and bars, cafés and karaoke places. He can see inside some of them through the windows. He watches the people in there. Friends, laughing together and having fun, couples being romantic. There’s a few loners like him too, of course. He doesn’t want to be like that anymore.

He wants to feel like he belongs somewhere.

He checks his phone and automatically opens his conversation with Jongin. They haven’t talked. But Jongin was online a few minutes ago.

_Kyungsoo: you still up?_

He’s relieved and nervous at the same time when Jongin is typing.

_Jongin: can’t sleep_

_Jongin: there’s a lot on my mind_

_Jongin: today’s been really hard_

_Jongin: I thought about using again…_

_Kyungsoo: fuck._

_Kyungsoo: I’m sorry_

_Jongin: I won’t do it_

_Kyungsoo: promise me._

_Jongin: okay_

_Jongin: can I tell you something else?_

_Kyungsoo: anything._

_Jongin: I miss you._

He almost tears up reading it. How silly of him. He misses him too. Like hell. His guilt’s eating him up.

He doesn’t type a reply. Jongin’s apartment isn’t too far. He needs to see him. Needs him close.

 

Jongin stands on the balcony, anxiously staring at the phone in his hands. It takes him a moment to notice Kyungsoo who’s standing under a streetlamp. They lock eyes for a moment.

Jongin opens the door for him. He hesitates before walking inside, unsure of wether he’s still welcome. His heart aches. Carefully, he takes a step towards Jongin and hugs him. And Jongin hugs him back. They stand there, just holding each other, for a long time.

Jongin’s breath is shaky when he draws away. Kyungsoo wants to make it all better. He takes his face into his hands and kisses his lips. And then he’s pulling him close, threading his fingers through his hair, and they’re lost in each other’s arms, craving each other’s body heat like they’ve been out in the freezing cold for too long. They’re bare with nothing to hide anymore, kissing the pain from each other’s cracked skin. They share staggered breaths as their bodies press into each other in Jongin’s bed.

Just two broken boys holding each other like it’s all they have.

Because it’s all they have.

 

Kyungsoo wakes up to the sunlight coming in through the window. He watches Jongin’s chest rise and fall with his breathing while he sleeps. He traces the dried tears on cheeks with his fingers. His heart feels funny in his chest. He’s never cared about someone this much. And he thinks he’s beginning to understand a certain feeling. _You just know—_ that’s what everyone always says.

And he knows.

And it scares him.

 

Kyungsoo is has having trouble focusing at work. He finds constant excuses to have to go over to Jongin’s cubicle, just so he can see him.

They’re alone in the break room, taking their lunch break a little earlier than everyone else.

“Junmyeon’s party is tomorrow,” Jongin mentions. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but I’d be really happy if I had you there with me.”

“I’ve thought about it. I’m not sure. I’m nervous.”

Jongin takes his hands. “I’ll be there. If it’s too much we can leave any time. Don’t you at least want to try? For me?”

He does. It’s conflicting. “Okay, fine.”

Jongin smiles. He kisses him.

 

Jongin volunteers to drive. Kyungsoo’s sweaty palms would probably slip right off the steering wheel.

“I’m so glad you guys made it,” Junmyeon welcomes them to the party. “Kyungsoo, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you out of your work clothes.”

Kyungsoo fakes a smile.

“Drinks are over there,” Junmyeon says, pointing over to a table lined with bottles of soda and liquor. “Have fun.”

“You alright?” Jongin asks when they get a second alone.

“I don’t know.”

“I’m right here, okay?” He squeezes Kyungsoo’s hand reassuringly. Kyungsoo nods.

An hour into the party Kyungsoo finds himself sitting in a quiet corner, sipping on a cup of water.

“Kyungsoo?”

He turns at the sound of the familiar voice. “Jongdae!” He gets up and gives him a hug.

They met in rehab. He was one of the few people his age.

“How do you know Junmyeon?”

“He’s my boss. How about you?”

“We’ve been going out. We’re not exclusive yet, but I like him.”

“Have you told him about… you know?”

“Yeah. I didn’t want there to be any secrets. He understood.”

“He doesn’t know about me.”

“Oh. I won’t tell him, don’t worry.”

“Thanks.”

“So how have you been?”

“I’m okay. Sill sober. Although the drinks table over there is mocking me,” he laughs nervously. “Is it still hard to be around alcohol for you too?”

“No, not really. It’s a reminder, sure. But I know I’m in control of it.”

Kyungsoo’s stomach sinks. He’s been sober for a whole year, yet he feels nothing like it. “Well, I’m glad to hear that.”

“Hang in there,” Jongdae says, giving him a pat on the back. Belittling him.

Kyungsoo watches the room. Jongin is talking to Chanyeol. They’re laughing. It makes him smile. He’s happy to see they finally made up.

And then his smile fades. Because it’s always going to be like this. Him alone in the corner of the room while everyone else is having the time of their lives. Eventually Jongin is going to realize he’s better off without him. Kyungsoo doesn’t need to stick around to see that happen.

He takes one last look, then quietly leaves while he still can. Before he gets stuck in the same toxic pattern again.

There’s traces of Jongin all over his apartment. His favorite sweater with too long sleeves, a few books Kyungsoo promised he was going to read but never got past the first few chapters, his headphones, doodles he drew on every blank piece of paper lying around. Kyungsoo gathers all of it, puts it in a box. He drives to Jongin’s apartment, gets his own stuff back and closes the door behind him.

He curls up in a ball on his couch and watches cartoons, wishing he could go back to when he was a kid.

Before everything got so fucked up.

 

Jongin confronts him in the bathroom at work. Of course he couldn’t avoid him forever.

“What the hell, Kyungsoo?” He’s a mess.

“Jongin, can we please not do this now?”

“No, let’s. I looked for you everywhere only to find out from someone I didn’t even know that you left. Do you have any idea how worried I was? And then I come home to find all my stuff I had left at your place and you took all of yours back, and you won’t answer your phone. What is all this supposed to mean?”

“I think you know what it means.”

Jongin shakes his head in denial. “Why?”

“It’s just better this way.”

“That’s it? You’re not even going to give me any explanation?”

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo can’t do this. He walks past him, knowing he won’t be able to cause a scene once they leave the room.

 

Kyungsoo lies awake in the middle of the night. What the hell is he going to do? It’s going to be too hard to face Jongin at work every day.

His train of thought is interrupted when someone knocks on the door. It nearly gives him a heart attack. Why would anyone do that this late? He chooses to ignore it.

But the knocking doesn’t stop.

Finally, he answers the door with quivering hands.

“It’s not good enough,” Jongin says.

“What?”

“ _‘I’m sorry’”_ isn’t good enough. You can’t just run away every time things get hard. I want to be there for you. I want to help you how you helped me, but how am I supposed to do that when you just won’t let me in? Please.” His voice cracks. “Just let me in. You mean so much to me.” He reaches out to Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo takes a step back.

“You’ll be fine without me.“

Tears roll down Jongin’s cheeks. He’s desperate. “Why would you say that? I don’t want to be without you. Why don’t you understand that? I thought everything was good between us. What happened? Why won’t you talk to me?”

Kyungsoo is silent. He closes up. Shuts down completely.

Jongin grows impatient. His questions turn into statements. Accusations. Insults. “You know what? You’re a coward. You _want_ to be alone. You don’t want to change. You don’t want to get better. You don’t even try.”

Jongin’s yelling hurts Kyungsoo’s ears. It’s too loud to drown out. The words confine him and he’s trapped with no place to run. He needs it to stop. “Get out!”

Jongin turns quiet. “Why did you get so close to me only to push me away?” He looks away when he doesn’t get an answer. Wipes the tears from his eyes. He’s exhausted. He turns around and walks away. Leaves.

Kyungsoo waits for his breathing to go normal, for his hands to stop shaking, for the shock to drain from his body.

But It only seems to get worse.

And Kyungsoo only knows one thing way to deal with this kind of feeling.

 

Kyungsoo stands by the Han River, a freshly purchased bottle of whiskey in his hand.

The burn down his throat almost feels soothing, simply because of how familiar it is. He takes his sobriety coin out his pocket. Looks at it. _One_ _year_. He grasps it tightly, and then throws it in the water.

He goes back to his apartment. Chugs until he gags.

_No._

No. No. No.

This isn’t him. Not anymore.

He throws the bottle against the wall. Screams into the night.

No one hears.

No one cares.

 

He sits on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest. His eyes are swollen.

It’s four in the morning and he has no more tears left to cry.

Nothing left to lose.

He calls Jongin.

_“Hello?”_ He sounds like he’s been crying too.

Kyungsoo’s scared to talk.

_“Kyungsoo?”_ Jongin says after a while.

It takes another minute until Kyungsoo gets himself together. Jongin hasn’t hung up yet.

“I don’t want you to become another addiction.”

They’re both silent.

Kyungsoo feels defeated. He ends the call.

 

Kyungsoo is alone in the elevator. Someone sticks their hand in to stop the door from closing.

It’s Jongin.

They don’t say hello.

Jongin stands on the opposite side of him. Their eyes meet accidentally, and they both look away. But they still steal glances. They catch each other’s looks again and this time neither looks away. The weariness is still apparent in their eyes.

And just like that they forgive each other. Without any words.

Because they both know they’ve been through enough.

 

 

Kyungsoo looks out the window of an empty apartment on the outskirts of Seoul. He’s texted Jongin to meet him here. They haven’t spoken in weeks. He doesn’t know why he holds an inkling of hope that he’ll come. Perhaps it’s just wishful thinking.

“Hey.”

“You’re here. I didn’t think you’d come.”

“I was in the area. My therapist is a few streets from here.”

Kyungsoo looks at him, asking him for an explanation.

“Turns out I’m not coping that well with my—“ he pauses to close his eyes and take a deep breath before saying the word. “—OCD after all.”

Kyungsoo parts his lips, but before he can say anything, Jongin speaks again.

“What are we doing here?”

“This whole time I’ve been aimlessly trying to run from the dark. I don’t want to run away anymore. I want to find something worth running to. And I don’t know that is yet. All I know is I want you to be a part of it.”

“What about what you said on the phone that night?”

“There’s no guarantees. We just have to trust in ourselves and each other that we won’t let that happen. Once I said it out loud, it was like I could look past it and thought about how nice it would be to have each other around. It’s two bedrooms, so we’d still have our own spaces. It doesn’t have to be right now. But maybe someday.” His heart beats a million miles an hour.

Jongin takes a look around. His face is stern when he looks at Kyungsoo. “What do you think about getting a puppy?”

That was the last thing Kyungsoo expected to hear. “A puppy?”

“Yeah, we could put his little dog bed over there,” he says, pointing to the far right of the room. His other hand finds Kyungsoo’s.

Kyungsoo can’t help but laugh a little. “I’d like that.” He intertwines their fingers.

They look at each other and smile brightly.


End file.
